me, debbie and alison
Do you know the sort of vulnerable feeling where you have a bit of a lump in your throat? Sadly, I've had that lump in throat feeling for days now. A good friend of mine had a most crushing and tragic experience that has just left myself(and those close to her of course)devastated. It's one of those things where you carry on with life and go about your daily business and all of a sudden you're caught off guard and the tears come silently from nowhere.
I think I used to be a 'cryer'. It didn't take much for the tears to come(in private at least)but I think that was when I was younger and generally more angry and angsty. In recent times I can't really recall feeling that way. At the moment I really dislike the involuntary nature of how I am feeling. Anyone that knows me will understand this as I am a person who likes to feel in control(although not a control freak- I'm NOT!). I did feel incredibly soothed singing and worshipping at church today but swallowing is still a little more difficult than normal ...
Whenever I feel like this I automatically think about family and in particular my two big sisters. For the last few days I have been missing them terribly. They are not too far away but the busyness of life means that unusually I haven't spoken to either of them as regularly as I normally would in this past week or even shared my sadness about my friend. It made me realize how much we depend on each other and how sharing stuff with each other has been so vital over the years, especially when you feel you can't share stuff with anyone else. Sad stuff, evil stuff, stuff about dented pride, triumphs, concerns, uncertainty, all of it.
These two ladies have been my everything for what feels like forever. I couldn't list what they mean to me nor what they have done FOR and TO me! Well ... I suppose a list could help to give you an idea, you know I can't resist! So, in no particular order here are some recalled memories, I won't mention which sister did what, you know what you did girls!
Twenty things about me and my sisters(sorry mum, or rather)my sisters and I.
1. one summer when you got back from boarding school you convinced mum to cut my hair. Mum agreed.
2. we were sharing a room and EVERY day you would leave your wet towel on my bed.
3. once, I convinced you to carry on pouring coke into a glass telling you it would NOT overspill. You believed me.
4. you took me to see 'In bed with Madonna' the day I found out I'd only passed four gcse's.
5. you drove a ridiculous amount of miles and with no information tracked me down at the right hospital when you heard I had been assaulted.
6. you gave me a very serious talking to when I announced that I wanted to have my nose pierced for my 16th birthday. You were way more serious than mum!
7. only since I have had children myself have you stopped holding my hand when I cross the road.
8. throughout our teenage years you would make me pizza's from scratch on request.
9. you often buy two identical items of clothing at a time and drop one round to me because you know how much I hate shopping(it's the best service!)
10. when I was still at school and you were working we used to catch the same bus and on that bus we named all the regulars, our favorites were 'doesn't wanna go to school', 'pat butcher' and 'cheers'(who you later got in on with, much to my amusement!)
11. you insisted on giving me those extra maths and hymn lessons on the veranda in Agege.
12. you read all the naughty bits out of 'love's avenging heart', I was seven and you were ten.
13. you explained to me that the book was called 'love's avenging heart' and NOT 'loves of engine heart'.
14. we used to stay up till really late watching live boxing matches.
15. your impressions of Apollo Creed dying make my sides hurt till this day!
16. your impressions of Tina Turner dancing.
17. whenever we go to the cinema you ask 'what's happening?' in a loud whisper whilst rubbing the back of your neck and re-shuffling to try and get comfortable.
18. you told me that Grandma Peppermint had told you, that you were her favorite. I don't believe you!
19. when I was 13 and you were 19 I made a series of new holes in your new and expensive black leather belt using the sharp point of a kitchen knife. You were displeased.
20. you used to sit in gran's old chair to read and you would ignore me and so I used to regularly lean you backwards in that chair. You would carry on reading with the blood rushing to your head.
Ali pali poodle(the middle sister who is three years my senior)just phoned. I broke my sad news about my friend to her and she also shed some almost silent tears, we then spoke about ... just about everything under the sun whilst rejoicing in the fact that our children were sleeping long enough for this conversation to linger. And do you know what? I can barely feel that lump in my throat now. Thanks sis!