One for Sorrow

new work in progress June 2011

I hate that feeling when you've completed something, a project of some kind and all of a sudden there's a void. I hate knowing that the void is coming and yet still not being able to do battle with it. It's the feeling that makes you over think every action. Was I empathic enough when I spoke to so and so? Should I hang the washing out now or is it going to rain? Should I send this text? No I'll re-write it again before I hit send.

So today is thursday and Elliott is at a stay and play playgroup from 9am - 12pm. I have three hours. I have been obsessively thinking about how to use these three hours effectively since monday. New art work? But what should I do? I have also been thinking a lot about money and how I can earn some. I don't like thinking about money and worse still I DO NOT like being burdened by it. I am an Artist. This is my job. So, I guess I must start thinking in terms that mean I WILL make money from my trade. These are probably dangerous thoughts. I just don't think I can pull off the amazing self promotion and confidence that exudes from those 'pulling it off'!

I'm fed up today. I've avoided you dear blog for days trying to mask this fed-upness but oh how sweet it is to moan at your knee once more. On the theme of fed-upness I also feel horribly responsible for the fed-upness of my eldest boy. So intricately wired-into my emotional data is he, that for the last couple of days he has been as testy as I have snappy. Pause. Time to pick up the boy. I'll return.

I was talking about the fed-upness but actually after a little art therapy, fresh air and blogging I don't feel too bad, this however could change quickly. I am making promises to no one. I did however make myself a promise this morning, the promise was to spend some time just enjoying drawing, relaxing into doodling, doubling up this thinking time by simultaneously taking a pencil in hand. I experience a little guilt when I make art work without thinking, I don't know exactly why. I have a silly hierarchy in my head about 'my real work' that references cultural theory, academia, social context etc but my pretty pictures of birds, my collages and mixed- media often leave me with an underlying sense that perhaps I should keep them secret! This is of course until I happen across Artists who are earning a living selling such work and then I start bitterly spluttering out words (to myself and in my head although occasionally to hubby) about how I could do that stuff standing on my head. It feels good to just get on with it. I'm really trying to stop myself from setting a goal and just let some work evolve. The pictures above are taken from what I did today. I'll be back soon with Two for Joy. At least I hope so!