Of late I've been thinking of buying a sewing machine and making a quilt, making square after square, each of them different. Some of them made from my grandma's old aprons, some from the boys old baby blankets and favourite items of clothing, the ones stored in the loft expectantly waiting for their next chapter. Of late I've been thinking of studying again, I've been speaking with experts, those that know what the journey will look like, those that have walked the path themselves. It has meant challenging conversations where I fumble my words and desperately try to retrieve my forgotten vernacular. Of late I've been thinking that if I ever did convince both myself and that hubby of mine to have a third child, I'd be fifty years old and still doing the school run. Late at night I find myself making calculations like these, last night I was figuring out how old my children would be if I died at 42 or 46 or like my dad, at 52. Of late I've been thinking of all of the books that I'd like to read with my eldest boy, whilst he still enjoys curling up next to me before bedtime and sharing a story with me. Of late I've been thinking of how much I still need this same boy to look back and give me a smile before he enters the double doors to go into class and how generous he is to meet that need which is mine and not his. Of late I've been thinking about how my husbands face has changed over time and looking back at old photographs when we were a new couple and weren't really fully grown yet, I can now see all of the gathered stories and chapters etched on his face and I'm so pleased I was around to see each of them and him in turn to have seen each of mine. Of late I've been thinking about my children as adults and wondering if I will be a person that they come to, to share their findings with, to share in their trials and their triumphs. Of late I've been thinking about growing old and loneliness and yearning and regret and hoping that I figure it all out before any of those words attach themselves to my old age. Of late I've been thinking of my eldest boy's friend who is moving to the other side of the world in just a few days and of their giggles as they played in the garden on their last play date together, of the lovely cuddle he gave me when I gave him a joke book to accompany him on the long flight to Australia. Of late I've been thinking of this boy's mother who in a short time has become very dear to me. Of late I've been thinking of separation and goodbye's and loved ones moving far, far away and thinking of my sister-in-law and family and the wonderful adventures they will have once more in Madagascar very soon. Of late I've been thinking about pirates and the ocean and wild adventure and having battles with swords, of living the pirate life. Of late I've been thinking and thinking and there has been no quiet, no calm and it has been exciting and noisy, moving and draining, salty and sweet, light and dark and it goes on and on. On and on. On and on.