I never used to think of myself as a city girl. Not until my husband pointed it out. I often find myself in beautiful country settings and whilst I enjoy those settings, I quite quickly find myself longing for the familiarity of the city. Today I was reminded of this as I walked admiring the blue sky and the rhythmic whir and hum of busy passing traffic. I enjoyed the gaps, the fleeting moments of quiet but I think I enjoyed more, the city noises as they arrived once again.
It is comfort. It is home. I like to walk alone. I like to pace with the noise of the outdoors and the internal noise that goes on indoors and upstairs in my mind. I like her company, even her teasing and mean tricks. Recently she has been whispering that I have nothing to say. She quietens me. It is not in my nature to fully succumb to instruction, to be told what to do and yet she manipulates me so cleverly that I barely notice.
I told her one of my secrets aloud today, I told her I'm fed up of her shooshing me. She said 'well shut up then' and I said 'No. It is you that must be quiet now' and with that the silence was broken. I am free to speak once more. I hope that I can drown out her dark noise with the sound of traffic, I hope that I will push her whispers back. I will dig deep and try and bury them. I will bury them over and over and over again. Til there is just noise, city noise and a that feeling of home.