I think of you often, in particular when amused at the most of trivial things, things that others muster a half raised eyebrow at, that we would still be laughing at weeks, months and sometimes even years later. I think to send messages to you on most days but something stops me, it's hard to describe what and even harder to describe why. My guess is that I am pestering you, forcing you into a place that feels uncomfortable and not comforting. This idea pains me, the notion that I am causing you more harm than good and so I keep my distance. Of course then a little time passes and I'm back again suggesting meet-ups that never take place and my head spinning like a love forlorn teenager waiting for a call back from their chosen one.
My heart aches for the grief that you endure, for the losses, all that you have had taken from you, for lost years and your broken dreams. Your strength and ability to remain in full control are both your greatest strength and your greatest weakness. I can't find you. I CAN'T FIND YOU! I cannot even get close. Every door is shut and firmly locked. And of course my heart burned with rage and sadness when you chose (it seemed to me) to let everyone and anyone but me to be along your side, even the folks who you spurned and told me you couldn't stand when I gently tried to help you see reason - to accept all the support that was being offered. Those gentle words I offered took much strength from me over the years, really. I never wanted to assign a cost for my emotional service to you but the months and years since, the time to reflect, the experiences that I have endured myself of loss and sadness, all of this has left me able to say - it's not all about you. There, I said it. I so desperately needed you when I too felt broken. I needed you and you were nowhere.
My love for you remains endless. Forever. I will take your heart and mine to my grave. But you broke my heart. Do you know that? Do you have a note folded in a drawer or in a corner of your mind that has similar words to these? Did I break your heart too? It was always different rules for me, I never got where that came from. Maybe because of my faith, perhaps your expectations were and are higher of me? It is definitely part of the complexity of it all.
So, how do we move forward? I wait. I wait. I wait. Is it too late? Is it ever too late? One thing I have learned since we have grown apart is this - I do not have the energy to be continually sad, now I stray from those who cause me pain. If attempts at resolve leave my mental health in jeopardy then it's simply time to move on, even if my heart muscle is torn irreparably. I leave you with these words from Walt Whitman, 'Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.' My hope is that you find this happiness in every corner that you seek it, in every minute that you seek it. This is my hope for you, dear friend.