Whenever I happen to hear that someone has 'lost' all of their photos/work/etc in some computer mishap I always think, why, why, why? After all, what kind of loser would be so careless and carefree as to not 'back up' their work? Well now I know - Me! I'm that loser!!! A few days ago my mac died. My mac with the missing key from when I cleaned it a little too zelousy, my mac passed down to me from my hubby that I bought him when I was pregnant with second son and got a fine piece of freelance work that meant I could treat that man of mine who had enabled me to be a full time mama. That mac that i felt a little less precious about and let my kids play games on and watch cbbc and cbeebies on, yep that one. The one that I began my blog on and always blogged from, the one that was there at the beginning. The one with all my photos, project ideas, bits and pieces and 'I don't want anyone else in the world to see these words or ideas' stuff.
I don't know if it's lost forever and I know I did do a back up of my photos a few months back but I worry that in reality that few months may be a longer ago time than I think. You see I'm a little bit in denial about it all. In part because I am so angry with myself for not getting off my arse (apology to my big sis for the use of the word arse) and finding out how to 'back up' with the special hard drive thingymebob that hubby bought last year with HUGE amounts of memory. I'm a little bit annoyed with him too for repeatedly saying things like 'I can just do it for you', 'I'll show you next time babe', 'It's easier if I do that', 'We'll do it in the holidays'. Well 'babe', we didn't do it in the holidays when I ASKED did we? No we di AINT!
Rant over, what I am trying to express here beyond the mild irritation with my husband id that I HATE not knowing how to do something myself. Whilst I understand we are all in the same boat and all need to learn from others at some point yada yada yada, I really mean it I hate that vulnerable feeling that comes from messing up because you had to depend on someone outside of yourself to make something achievable. And yeah, I know 'where that comes from' and I often think about the meaning behind it all but for right now and this week, I am mourning the loss of my autonomy, my independence. I can hear shouts of - 'it's just a broken computer, get it fixed!' But what if it's not the computer and really it's a metaphor for my life. Ok, I'm joking ... kind of. So I'm now sat at my hubby's computer tying this, too afraid to upload any of my photos, too paranoid to dirty up his desk top and just praying that when I hit publish and shutdown that I leave no trace of my presence here. Not really for his sake but for mine! You see hubby and I have had a on going joke for many years that I am Katy - 'Katy Don't Touch My Stuff'. I have got better since children but as the youngest of four children, I think it's fair to say that I grew up with my siblings always touching my stuff. As much as I love them, it definitely left me with a neurosis of ask before you touch kind of a thing. So even though hubby has repeatedly offered the use of his computer since my mac death, it is not an offer I have taken up until now because I know deep down inside if the tables were turned I'd be thinking ... don't touch my stuff! It is a bit selfish but it's because computers are like homes these days, they say so much about you and how you go about life. For example, when I see people with dirty computers and cables that have been manhandled, I'm already making a judgement about carelessness - you people know who you are! You're the ones that eat whilst on your laptop, wrong and dirty! There are others like my hubby, who are anal and borderline ocd, with colour coded sections that indicate which e-mails are from who, no mess on the desktop, everything neatly boxed and labelled and definitely, definitely symetrical and well spaced. Bless him! (He wasn't anal enough to back my stuff up though was he? Ha)
So anyway to end this I will regret publishing this piece that outs me as a blaming selfish meanie piece thing, I am in part here to explain that I may be absent for a while whilst I figure out my mac problems. I tried blogging from phone last night but thought I was going to have a heart attack, I won't be doing that ... in the mean time I shall be getting my fix with pics and perhaps a little more narrative than people would really like, on Instagram. Perhaps I'll see you there, strangely I'm under the name Katy Acquaye-Tonge. Toodle pip as Granny used to say.