Friday, 11 July 2014

Sometimes it's hard knowing where to begin

Whenever you take a break from blogging it is always incredibly difficult to return. Much like keeping a diary, once you stop you don't quite know where to start again. It's tricky deciding whether to recount your day to day or simply moments of greater significance. It can feel overwhelming and joyless. That's how I've been feeling about blogging for some weeks now, overwhelmed. Life has been busy and full with other things and suddenly the blog has taken a back seat, which is fine because there are seasons for all things. I've had a lot in mind that I want to share here but haven't quite known where to begin. My phone is crammed with unedited photographs of lovely moments spent with my family, moments that I know I will easily forget if I don't find a home for them, you know … those everyday moments that seem fleeting and unimportant until you happen upon a glimpse of them and your heart flutters with excitement at their simplicity, their everydayness, those moments, those memories. The easiest place to begin seems to be with finding a place for those many pictures stored lazily on my phone, so I'm beginning by finding them a home, a home right here which is how this blog began in the first place.

Like my neighbour pointed out in her wonderful irish drawl just a couple of days ago, 'why Kate, your boys are growing like weeds!' and that they are, like weeds I tell you! The youngest boy and I have found a little routine, we head off for a little one to one time after he's finished playing football most saturday mornings whilst older brother is still playing football and dad is watching. I quieten my inner voice that wants to share that you could just as easily have a hot chocolate and cake at home for much less money and instead I let him take charge and he is a pleasure to watch. He is a boy who knows what he wants and on most days that's a piece of caramel shortbread and a hot chocolate and some of the froth off of my cappuccino! He confidently selects where he wants to sit, what he wants to eat and offers to collect any extras that I either can't carry or that I've forgotten. My heart soars at his independence when he casually wanders off and politely asks for an extra cup or napkin, and suddenly I can picture us five years from now, ten years from now. It makes me think of my brother and my mother and how I wish they too could have these one to ones, alas it is not to be for now at least. My heart and soul breaks for my mum because now I know what it is to have a son of my own, even better I have two, perhaps that will mean double the heart break in the future. I hope not. Most of our alone time has been special and relaxed and enjoyable and some of our alone time has been hectic and fraught and full of the energy of a person who simply cannot be still physically or mentally. It can drive me crazy but mostly I like it because he is a copy of that man I chose to marry, just like that older boy of mine is a copy of me. How funny how things turn out huh?

Today as I scrolled through my camera roll, I found the picture taken one day last week when he put his hand on his hip and looked pretty pleased with himself. It was the moment when I agreed to buy him a cone of chips after our post school library visit. As we were walking past shops on our way home he said to me 'Mum - should we be crazy and you can buy me some chips?' What can I say? He's such a charmer! There's also the one from this week, again, it involves food. He was off school. He'd barely slept the night before, kept up with a high temperature which took its time to leave. I'd already arranged to meet a friend at our local French cafe who I haven't managed to catch up with for a long time, so I decided to medicate him with French patisserie. It worked, he slept for three hours in the afternoon! You know I'd forgotten about that cosy feeling of a lil' one sleeping whilst you get your jobs done. It felt good to remember that. 

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