Sometimes life is still enough to notice the dancing shadows

Sometimes, life is still enough to notice the dancing shadows and I love it when it's like this even if it's just for a little while. To feel heat on the soles of your feet, to drink in the smell of the head of your little ones, to sit side by side in silence with each party deeply caught up in their book, their story, digits  and skin occasionally touching, making happy goosebumps as they make contact.

We've had many seasons in a short time. A nasty tummy bug took the eldest boy out for five days over half term. He wanted only me close by his side and he talked and talked, through fever, through pain, he talked and talked. We found a rhythm of old and I quietly enjoyed the memory of early baby days. Waking to check them. Waking to check them. Waking and being woken.

Rediscovering a joy toy from my childhood - the speedball. The eldest and I played this for hours in our backgarden on those generous sunny days we were bestowed as he regained his strength. Those other members of our clan escaped the confines of our house and headed out on adventures of their own. Apparently that youngest boy of ours smiled the biggest of all smiles when he got to ride alongside his papa in the front seat of the car for the first time. He made his first trip to the tip and completed his first solo weekly food shop with his dad - no mean feat I tell you, initiations into manhood for sure!

There was an impromptu mother/son date on a rainy day when two boys were experiencing cabin fever. They were circling and dancing round one another ready to attack like two cocks in a sand pit readying to fight till the death or at least in the moment it felt that intense and in any case there's nothing quite like a little one to one time and especially when it involves maple syrup and american pancakes!

There have been quiet times. Some time all alone with my man, plotting and hoping and chatting and praying about the future, precious soul time with my soul mate. Quiet times alone, reading and writing and taking notes and thinking, processing. Lots of time with dear friends, catching up, listening in, being supported and leaning some their way too. Time spent considering the hardships and trials either faced by me or those around me. I started to think about all of this and I realised that sometimes life is still enough to endure the hard stuff. The stillness leaves enough room for you to step back and notice all the of the crop that is ready to harvest. There is plenty in the fields and plenty more to gather and there will be a feast people, there really will be. So go and gather and bring the feast to the table and share it with those around you and with those that you hold dear.   

 

I missed you so, but now I'm back!

So I had to go away for a while. It was both a pleasure and a pain not to be able to off load my thoughts here. The pleasure came with re-discovering how much I love to be here, talking to you, talking to me, talking aloud. It is a lifeline, like breathing. The pain came from not being able to ... off load,  as and when I wanted to. Typically of me, as soon as I thought that I might not find a way to blog as and when I wanted to, all I could think of was blogging ... and I thought about it pretty much every single minute of the day. I did find Instagram a great comfort and my comments did grow longer each day as I mini blogged my way through the days.

During this absence, there have been some lovely sunshiny days where those boys of mine and I have enjoyed the great outdoors. Forest adventures are one of our favourite things, our welly boots are permanently stationed in the boot of the car ready for impromptu muddy walks. My hubby does like an impromptu adventure! Plus, now that I have stocked up on stain removing products I can turn a blind eye as those boys of mine delight in getting stuck knee deep in mud (thank you daddy for the gift of retrieving children from bogs) and getting stuck into all of the wet and wild  and dirty and slimy things that childhood is made up of. There's a lot of energy around here and a lot of volume and the outdoors look upon us so endearingly when our small two bedroomed house is full to the brim with four people 'who feel ways about stuff' a lot of the time. I am happy too that we find our nooks and crannies for our solitude, our quiet times. A special chair in a special corner known as 'Dad's corner'. A cave inside the big walk in wardrobe with a bed of soft toys and cushions with favourite books and a torch (when it can be found!). A favourite patchwork knitted blanket laid out in a hallway, a declaration of new land conquered. A table - a place spewing with books, magazines, images, artwork. A place that offers the greatest retreat - possibility. We all somehow find our way and we know how blessed we are. Today I am grateful though I don't always feel this way. Today I can ignore the faint outline of muddy footprints on an already well loved carpet. I can ignore the small brownish handprint on the cream wall paint on the entrance to my bedroom. I can ignore the wallpaper that has been helped to come away from the wall by a little someone, I can ignore these small things because they really are small things. I can ignore them today and instead I think of my big boy bringing me and his papa coffee in bed on saturday morning. I think of watching those boys making ice cream sodas, of overhearing a big brother reading aloud to his younger brother, I think of how many times this week alone they've told me they love me ... this fills me today, it fills me up.